Whether it’s the stinkers that fall out of the Christmas crackers, or that uncle who cracks the same gags every year, bad jokes are as much a Christmas tradition as eggnog, fairy lights and sprouts.
To celebrate the merriment that comes with the season, we’ve put together a list of 31 festive witticisms – one for each day of December – to keep you giggling (or groaning) throughout the month. Be warned – they get worse and worse as they go on!
1. What do you call a cat in a red and white suit?
Santa Paws.
2. What do you call a bottle of fizzy orange in a red and white suit?
Fanta Claus.
3. What’s the best thing to have with Christmas cheese?
Christmas crackers.
4. Did you hear what happened to the very bad Santa Claus?
He got the sack.
5. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had got for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
6. Why did the man eat his Christmas decorations?
He fancied a light snack.
7. What do Liverpool FC fans sing at Christmas?
Yule Never Walk Alone.
8. What do West Ham United FC fans sing at Christmas?
I’m Forever Blowing Baubles.
9. What did Santa say when he had to deliver three of the same garden tool?
Hoe hoe hoe!
10. Why doesn’t Santa like small rooms?
He has Claustrophobia.
11. Why is stuffing like Istanbul?
You find it in Turkey.
12. What part of a Christmas dinner wears a cap and neckerchief?
The Boy Sprouts.
13. What’s a cat’s favourite Christmas song?
Furry Tail of Mew York.
14. What do snowmen sing at parties?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
15. Why are there no accidents in Santa’s workshop?
It has an elf and safety policy.
16. What did Adam say on December 24th?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
17. What did the Pringles say to the Nik Naks on December 25th?
“Merry Crispmas!”
18. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
19. Did you hear that Rudolf has lost his red nose?
How does he smell?
Terrible!
20. What fruit appears on TV every Christmas Day?
The Queen’s peach.
21. How do composers remember who to buy presents for?
They make a Christmas Liszt.
22. Why can’t you hire Rudolf and Blitzen for Christmas parties?
They’re two deer.
23. Who stabbed a vampire with a cocktail sausage at the Christmas party?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer.
24. What’s the difference between a post box and Santa Claus’ bottom?
I don’t know.
Well, I won’t be asking you to post my Christmas cards then!
25. Why doesn’t Santa give sailors any Christmas presents?
They’re on his naughty-cal list.
26. What do acorns sing at Christmas?
Oak Come All Ye Faithful.
27. How did the archer wrap his presents?
He sealed them with a bow.
28. A driving instructor and his student are stopped by the police one Christmas.
“You appear to be conducting a driving lesson, but your car isn’t carrying an L plate,” said the officer. “Care to explain?”
“It’s Christmas!” the instructor replied. “No L, the angel did say!”
29. One year, just before a Christmas chess competition, all the competitors were gathered in the reception with the door open. Before long, they were loudly bragging about their chess achievements. One claimed to have beaten Gary Kasperov, while another suggested he had been a programmer for Deep Blue.
Eventually, a receptionist came out. “Hey, pack it in! All of you!” she shouted.
“Why?” asked the chess players.
“Because I hate to see chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!”
30. Santa Claus went to a table-tennis contest in Plymouth. He ate too many mince pies and spreadable cheese while there, causing him to be sick all over the town. The local council say it will cost over £10,000 to clean it up.
The headline was: Ping-pong, Dairylea and pies, in Devon the bills are stinging!
And finally…
31. Santa Claus decides to take up boxing. He’s ready for the weigh-in at his first fight, but his opponent is still a mystery. Eventually, a Middle Eastern man turns up in a military uniform.
“Who are you?” asks Santa.
“I’m your opponent,” replies the man. “Major Ahmed.”
The weigh-in takes place, and Santa is within his weight, but Ahmed is two pounds too heavy. The officials tell him that unless he can lose weight in the next couple of days, the fight won’t take place.
Afterwards, Ahmed’s trainer asks him “how did you manage to let yourself get over the weight bracket?”
“I’ve become addicted to crisps,” Ahmed admits. “I’ve been eating crisps non-stop all week.”
“Well, no more crisps,” says the trainer. “Come back here in an hour and I’ll show you the specialised diet I’m putting you on.”
They meet again later that day, and the trainer has laid three large bowls out to show Ahmed what he’ll be eating for the next few days.
“In this first bowl,” he explains, “we have some miniature pumpkins and squashes. These have a high water content, and will stop you being hungry.”
“What about these?” asks Ahmed while looking at the second bowl, which contains a selection of Dairylea, Babybels and Kraft slices.
“Cheese is an excellent source of protein and calcium,” the trainer says, “but again, it’s important to keep portions small, so just eat one of these at a time.”
“And what on Earth are these?” asks Ahmed while eying the final bowl.
“These have been imported specially from Switzerland,” the trainer informs him. “They’re brown bread rolls, but they have a high sugar content, so they taste very sweet and they’ll give you an energy boost.”
So, to summarise the story:
“A weigh-in, a major, no crisps for Ahmed. Just little gourds, cheeses and brown Swiss sweet bread!”
This season, why not spread the joy by cracking some of these Christmas classics? People will laugh so hard, they might even insist they have to leave the room!
